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Best human being ever. Dean with it.

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DEAN-A-LING-A-LING

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OSCARS

• The other day I saw that E!’s red carpet countdown starts at 1:30 p.m. rather than the traditional noon, and I said, “This is bullshit!” out loud and I think in the future when they write epic poems about our relationship, that will be the moment they record as the one in which Kevin lost all respect for me.
• Just now in class I couldn’t concentrate for the last hour because I was thinking about the champagne I will drink and the buffalo chicken macaroni and cheese I will eat and the inane things Kelly Osbourne will say and the feelings I will feel about those things.
• This quote from Judy Blume makes no sense: “I don’t like pretension, and I found [‘Tree of Life’] very pretentious. [But] you know what I liked about that movie? I loved the little family drama that was inside it, the scene of Jessica Chastain jumping on the bed with the little boys when the husband was out of town. I thought, this is the movie I wish I was here seeing.” Because that’s what The Tree of Life is about, right? What exactly is pretentious about The Tree of Life, is what I’m asking. The dinosaurs? The whispering? When people are like, “Ugh, The Tree of Life is pretentious,” I’m like, “Ugh, your face.” PUT THAT ON THE POSTER, MALICK.
• Here are some movies I really loved from this year which are not nominated for Best Picture: Bridesmaids, Attack the Block, Contagion, Martha Marcy May Marlene, 50/50, Young Adult, Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, Jane Eyre, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part Two. Yeah, I said it.
• As has been the case every year since I started caring about this thing (which—let’s be clear here—was in 1998 when Titanic won because it was ZOMG my favorite movie of all time), I am going to be beside myself with excitement until Sunday morning, and absolutely sick of everything about the Academy Awards by, oh, let’s say, forty-five minutes into the telecast. Billy Crystal’s face! Endless montages! Rooney Mara’s severe haircut! Everyone’s opinions but my own! The worst. The best!

Never Let Go

I just explained to Kevin how Leonardo DiCaprio’s desperation for an Oscar is exactly like when one of your friends is really desperate for a boyfriend, and you’re just like, “Girl, if you just chill out and be yourself, it will happen.” 

"Don’t pick me up [from the airport], I don’t want you to miss the pre pre pre show coverage for the Golden Globes."

He just gets me.

Rich Famous People Give One Another Gold Statues, and I Care About It

Is this right? Does this make sense? Wouldn’t my time and mental energy be better spent on something, anything else? I’ve never read Anna Karenina—shouldn’t I spend the evening of Sunday, February 27th doing that instead? The answer to all of these questions is no. Here are my FEELINGS about the upcoming 83rd annual Academy Awards.

Best Actor: This is one of those times where it’s just silly to even have this category. I mean, it’s an insult to all of the actors nominated who are not Colin Firth to give them even the faintest glimmer of hope that they could win. All of them probably feel the same way, because NEWSFLASH, EVERYBODY—Colin Firth is just amazing in this movie. If you disagree with that, you are just like the Nazis that his character is not shown sympathizing with*.

Best Actress: Maybe this will be surprising to anyone who knows the extent to which I’ve co-opted the phrase “black swan” to refer to pretty much everything in my life, but I don’t get Black Swan. (I still don’t understand whether or not Mila Kunis’s character was real? Or why Nina says “I was perfect!” after her performance, when she actually wasn’t; she totally fell down!?). Natalie Portman is really good at acting scared, which is pretty much all the movie asks her to do. I am rooting for Annette Bening, because of the two separate occasions in which Hillary Swank wrested an Oscar from Annette’s hands, but to be honest with you, I think the best lead performance by a woman in 2010 (that I’ve seen) was Hailee Steinfeld, so this whole category makes no sense to me.

Best Supporting Actor: Never forget.

Best Supporting Actress: Hailee Steinfeld, duh. It’s not that Melissa Leo is not great at making you really, really hate her—it’s more that I’m concerned that the movie didn’t really leave much room for you to do anything but really, really hate her? And that concern quadrupled when I read that Alice Ward was reportedly paid $500 for her participation in The Fighter (compared to Dicky Eklund’s $193,000)? And, okay, fine, I will admit also that I find Melissa Leo’s acceptance speeches really grating. 

Best Picture: I’ve seen 8 out the 10 Best Picture nominees this year and I’m seeing Winter’s Bone tomorrow. The only film I will probably never see is 127 Hours, because when I was first told the story of Aron Ralston by my father in an Italian restaurant in 2003, I passed out, and life is too short to pass out twice over the same amputated arm. Obviously, I believe that Toy Story 3 is a film made out of sunshine and unicorn hair, and that it should win every award possible in order for the public record to reflect my very deep personal feelings about it. But since that is not viable, I am going with The King’s Speech. Because I’m an old person! 

Etc.: Very excited for E!’s coverage, if only because they will finally stop playing promos for their own coverage set to Katy Perry’s “Firework” (I watch too much E!). Very excited for the buffalo chicken macaroni and cheese I will be eating during the show. Very nervous about the hosts. Trying to distract myself from my nerves about the hosts by gazing at pictures of James Franco’s cheekbones. Unsuccessful.

Things I Would Personally Give Oscars To: The first scene of The Social Network. The weird dance Daniel Radcliffe and Emma Watson perform in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1. Never Let Me Go (I really loved it, you guys. Didn’t anyone else on Earth love it?). Emma Stone in Easy A. Greta Gerwig in Greenberg. Matt Damon in The Informant! I know that was last year, but it doesn’t change the fact that he deserved it.

*No, you aren’t.

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This lady’s take on the roles for which women are nominated vs. the roles for which men are nominated is, as always, smart and absolutely correct. No one who saw True Grit could possibly be under the impression that Hailee Steinfeld is supporting anybody. Maybe Oscar voters just remember the original True Grit as a John Wayne movie, and that’s why they don’t realize that it is an epic tale of a Girl Doing Stuff? But if this is so, it proves that Oscar voters are really dumb. I hope Steinfeld wins, because she was excellent, and also because I can’t handle Melissa Leo. Can’t. Handle.

(Has anyone noted yet that this year marks the nominations of former cast members of both Dawson’s Creek and Freaks and Geeks?)